Like many, my story has been one of many terrains. A midwestern girl born and raised in Minnesota – the youngest of three children. I have an older brother and sister. Growing up, my family attended a local church regularly. Being completely honest though, looking back I feel that my relationship with God was never an ‘active’ one until my early twenties.
Near the end of High School, I found myself in a serious relationship and was married by the age of nineteen. Following school, the hectic pace of life set in. My time with God began to dwindle. I began attending church when it worked out or on the holidays. It was a relationship on my terms not on God’s. It really was a one-sided relationship.
I continued this attempt of controlling my own steps until my early twenties. My world as I knew it began to crumble. I vividly remember one morning, standing in front of my bathroom mirror. Who was I? How did I get here? I had lost my identity. I felt empty, lost and defeated. Everything I believed I had built and worked for was lost. Four years after getting married and years of painful moments, I found myself sitting on a couch next to the same person I had said ‘I do’ to. This time, we were making the decision to end our marriage. This was not a quick process however it was for the health of both of us. The pain endured going through such a time of loss was excruciating, confusing and filled with inexpressible emotions throughout its many stages. I was at a low of lows.
I began the attempt to pick myself up. I wanted nothing more than the storm to pass. I was in search of my inner spirit once again. I had no idea where or how to begin. Shame was all over my heart. I had felt like not only had I failed myself, my friends and family- especially my parents who have been married for over forty years, but greater, I felt like I had disappointed God.
It was on a random day that I had begun to hear the words and love of a church near my home. I was driving alone with the sun shining in on my face. My radio was on full-blast as I wept and cried out for help with both hands gripped to the steering wheel. That was the day I decided to take a step. I would attend that church I had heard of. The first day I attended, I undeniably felt the Holy Spirit move through me. Each week after, God continued to guide me back to the place I would come to know Him better. Through this, I began to find peace in His name. Each message and song we sang, I felt as though God was speaking directly to me. During this time, I learned to meet God where I was, not where I believed He wanted me to be. I brought with my fear, anxiety and defeat in full surrender. I was home. Thankfully, in addition to my relationship with Jesus, I had the support of my loving parents, family, close friends, and a professional counselor.
Roughly a year after I had first attended, the divorce had been finalized. I was worshiping- or more so, crying out in my infamous ugly cry at a baptism service. I had no intention of being baptized that day however sitting in my chair with tears welling up in my eyes, God spoke boldly to me on that cold day in February. I chose to surrender my life to God as my Savior. I vividly remember sobbing all the way through the line as I walked toward the baptism waters. Everything changed as I came up from the water. It was a new beginning. The old had been washed away, and I was made new. I was finally ready to hand over the reigns to God, and that I did.
The storm clouds hovering over me were now shifting with sunlight in view behind them off in the distance. There was hope.
Throughout the highs and lows, I have been able to find my identity in Christ. Additionally, I met my husband Elliot while serving in Kids Ministry at our church. We eventually started dating and were married. We have also been gifted with our first child, Lilah. God’s faithfulness has truly blessed me with a loving husband who leads with grace, loves with his whole heart, and has the ability to give really great belly laughs!
Regardless of the unknown ahead, I now have a sincere peace and wholeness that I have come to know can only be found in God’s unfailing love. This peace and wholeness is available for you too.
There is sunshine found in redemption!
In Him we have redemption through His Blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His Grace – Ephesians 1:7 NIV
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